An Inside View of a Traditional Indian Wedding

SHILPA AUR SANJU KI SHAADI -- Shilpa and Sanju's Wedding

My name is Christine Futia. In 1973-74, I spent a year in a small town in south India as a Rotary International exchange student. Many years later, my husband and I adopted our 3 children from Kolkata: Leo Rajan (now 22), Annie Shanti (almost 20) and Peter Ramesh (15). I have stayed close to my Indian host family over the past 35+ years, and have been privileged to enjoy visits to my "second home" and many special family events. I've traveled to India about 20 times since I was a teenager, and I now lead group tours for Indian adoptees and their families. I also help to run an Indian heritage camp (SPICE = Supportive Parents and Indan Children Everywhere - see http://spicecamp.blogspot.com/ for more info). My two older children have been back to India several times, and feel very much at home there.

In October of 2003, my Indian niece Shilpa (a Konkani from Karnataka) and her husband-to-be Sanju (a Punjabi from Delhi) were married in Gurgaon, Haryana, a suburb of Delhi. Since Shilpa's family lived far away, a dear friend of her mother's offered her home as the "shaadi ka ghar" (the home from which the bride leaves to become part of her husband's family). Leo (then 16), Annie (then 13) and I arrived at the "shaadi ka ghar" about a week before the wedding, and were able to take part in all of the frantic last-minute preparations as well as the two days of celebrations that preceded the wedding itself. We were also able to celebrate Diwali, the Indian festival of lights, with the bride's and groom's family and friends. What an amazing opportunity!

I am an avid photographer and an amateur videographer, and I resolved that I would make Shilpa and Sanju a wedding video to remember. It was also important for me to share the celebration with my late beloved Indian Mummy and Daddy, who could not attend due to ill health. I began filming the moment we arrived in Gurgaon, and after returning home, spent about 4 months constructing the final movie. Rather than a simple chronology of events, the movie is composed of 17 thematic segments, each with its own carefully-selected background music to reflect its theme and emotional tone. Unlike a traditional wedding video, it also includes a bit of the Diwali holiday celebration as well as all the pre-wedding preparations and events.

Shilpa and Sanju's wedding largely followed Punjabi traditions, while interweaving some of the bride's family's customs here and there. Since I was staying at the "shaadi ka ghar", I was not able to film the events, rituals and preparations in and around the groom's home. That aside, one of the things that was most intriguing to me as I developed a framework for the movie was how similar weddings are around the world in terms of their basic and most precious elements. After assembling all the different video segments, my final movie, entitled "Shaadi, Kya Hai?" (What is a Wedding?) came to about 60 minutes. It provides a unique insider's view of how Indian families come together to marry their sons and daughters. I am proud of what I was able to do to capture a very special time in my own life as well as the lives of so many people I love. I hope you enjoy it too!

"Shaadi, Kya Hai?" -- What is a wedding?

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If you want to watch the whole movie without interruption, see below. Otherwise, you can view each segment individually and read the related notes.

Click here to go to Chris Futia's channel on YouTube. Choose "Playlists" (not "Uploads") and choose "Shilpa aur Sanju ki Shaadi". Playlists from Chris's 2004 and 2006 Indian Adoptee Heritage Tours are also accessible in the same way, as is her "Magical Midlife Tour" to Sikkim and Darjeeling.

2004 Heritage Tour: Udaipur (Rajasthan) and east central Tamil Nadu (Chennai, Mamallapuram, Kanchipuram)

2006 Heritage Tour: Jodhpur (Rajasthan) and central Karnataka (Bangalore, Mysore, Coorg in the western Ghats)

"Shaadi parivar aur dosten hai" -- A wedding is family and friends

Weddings the world over are typically celebrated in the company of family and friends. For Shilpa and Sanju's wedding, friends and family members came together from all over India and the world. Near the beginning of this segment, you will see my son Leo and daughter Annie being instructed on ritual of the Lakshmi puja that is part of a traditional Diwali celebration at home. The groom's elderly aunty was incredibly kind to reach out to my children and give them a special piece of their Indian heritage that they could not have experienced any other way. The background music for this segment comes from the song "Yaadein" (Memories) from the Hindi movie of the same name.

"Shaadi shopping hai" -- A wedding is shopping

So much to do before the wedding! The streets of New Delhi are festooned with Diwali decorations and crowded with shoppers day and night. Shilpa chooses the heavy gold and gemstone jewelry she will rent to wear with her wedding lehenga. This is a traditional fashion that was very "in" among Indian brides after the Hindi movie "Devdas" came out. When you want to wear real diamonds, rubies, sapphires, or emeralds, renting is the way to go! When Shilpa picks up her choli (short blouse) for the wedding, you may notice that the sleeves are slightly puffed -- another Devdas touch, as worn in the film by Aishwarya Rai. Later, we all shop in Gurgaon for some of the items the pandit (priest) will need for the ceremony, and for lots of vegetables to feed the burgeoning masses at the "shaadi ka ghar". The music for this segment comes from the album "Dhani" by Strings, an Indian rock band in the U.K. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of this really great song!

"Shaadi bachche hai" -- A wedding is children

India is a very child-friendly culture, where children run and play in the background wherever their parents go. In this segment, you'll see children of all ages enjoying the special food, clothing, dancing and excitement associated with a big colorful wedding. Near the end, you'll catch a glimpse of the "Junior Groom" (the groom's nephew) atop the white horse on which the groom rides to meet his bride. The music for this segment is "Jadoo" ("Magic") from the Hindi film "Koi Mil Gaya", the Indian version of "E.T."

"Shaadi tohfe hai" -- A wedding is gifts

Gifts, gifts gifts! Of course the bride gets gifts -- typically jewelry of gold or silver -- but in a typical Indian wedding there is a very particular ritual around gift-giving. This varies from community to community and location to location, but you can be sure that everyone is watching to make sure that all the proprieties are observed. Certain gifts must be given by the bride's family to members of the groom's family, and/or vice versa. Saris and lengths of fine cloth for custom-made suits ("Suitings") are common gifts at many weddings. All the gifts must be festively wrapped and presented. Not only are gifts exchanged between the bride's and groom's family, every guest at the wedding is also given a gift! And at this wedding, everyone in the Shaadi ka Ghar joined together to wrap gifts well into the wee hours of the morning, just a day or two before the wedding took place. The music for this segment is a song about wedding preparations from an older Hindi film, with the legendary Lata Mangeshkar as the lead voice.

"Shaadi khana hai" -- A wedding is food

All the world over, one of the highlights of every wedding is a plethora of the choicest, most special, most traditional dishes ... often served to a great many people. Here we see masses of food prepared by a hired cook at the Shaadi ka Ghar and served to everyone on the "girl's side" -- including those staying in nearby hotels. Then there are the mouthwatering buffets at the cocktail dinner two nights before the wedding, at the mehendi and other ceremonies one night before the wedding, and finally a feast for the eyes and palate at the wedding itself. Since the wedding ceremony did not get started until around 11 p.m. (typical in India), all of the guests ate while the lengthy rituals were being carried out. The bride, groom and other relatives on the mandap finally had their wedding meal around 3 a.m.! The music for this segment is a light-hearted melody played on traditional Indian instruments.

"Shaadi hasna hai" -- A wedding is laughter

Take special friends and family gathering for a once-in-a-lifetime celebration, shake and stir, and out comes laughter. Clowning laughter. Teasing laughter -- as when bride is changing into a new salwaar kameez given by her in-laws during the ceremony on the night before the wedding (a "bachelorettte" moment). But the best part of all -- laughter between bride and groom during the long solemn ceremony on the mandap. And what were they laughing about? The bride had been too nervous to eat before the ceremony, so she had only had some mango juice. On the mandap, in her heavy wedding lehenga, she whispered to her groom that she really needed to pee. He responded by doing what all Indian parents do to help their babies learn to pee when prompted: a long soft "sssssssssss". The bride told him to cut it out, or she'd wet her pants right there. But he wouldn't stop ... and you can see the result. They couldn't keep a straight face! As an insider, I even got to film the moment of final relief after the ceremony ended -- a laugh of its own. The background music for this segment is a comic song from a well-known Hindi movie of the 60s.

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"Shaadi bahut se thaiyarian hai" -- A wedding is a lot of preparations

So much to do, so little time! Here we see all the last-minute preparations prior to the first day of celebrations. Intimate and funny behind-the-scene moments where bride and groom try on their wedding clothes and then do a bit of clowning. ("Choli ke peeche kya hai" is a risque song from a 90s-era Hindi movie. Its literal translation is "What's under the blouse". Keep your ears open for the reference!) The bride and family meet one last time with the party planner at the plush hotel where the "mehendi" (night before wedding) celebration will be held. Then a final blouse-fitting, and decisions about what sari to wear to the celebration at the plush hotel. Finally, the decoration of the Shaadi ka Ghar with masses of flowers, in preparation for the chuda ceremony the next morning. Apologies for the lower video quality of this segment -- it was too large to upload otherwise. The music behind the events here includes a traditional wedding folk song and the song "Dulhan hum le jayenge" (I'll bring the bride) from the Hindi movie of the same name.

"Shaadi masti hai" -- A Wedding is enjoyment

The cocktail dinner two nights before the wedding was held at a new party hall in Delhi. This was the chance for all the young folk to to wear their most trendy outfits (check out the bride!) and for EVERYONE to dance -- including dorky me in my blue sari. Leo and Annie got onto the dance floor too, along with friends and relatives, young and old. The food was delicious and the dance floor so inviting that the party lasted into the wee hours. The background music for this segment is much like the music we danced to -- traditional Punjabi bhangra. You can always tell a bhangra song from its beat and the words "balle balle" -- so join in the fun and go "balle balle" from wherever you're sitting!

"Shaadi do parivar ka milan hai" -- A wedding is the joining of two families

The evening before the wedding (traditionally called the "mehendi") was both a reverent and celebratory event. First, the bride was led in, wearing clothes provided by her family, and blessed by hundreds of guests with a few grains of rice atop her hair. Then she was given a gorgeous new salwaar kameez by her in-laws, and went to change for the rest of the evening. Next, the groom participated in a special ritual led by a pandit, in which he was blessed in preparation for being a good husband, and accepted with joy by the bride's family. The brimming eyes of the groom's father show what an emotional experience this was for him as his youngest child prepared to be married. Then the bride returned, to sit with her groom on a settee to be blessed by one and all. But it wouldn't be a Punjabi event without some dancing -- and you can see that evening ended in a little dance floor revelry. The music for this segment is an instrumental piece from the Enya album "Paint the Sky With Diamonds".

"Shaadi mehendi hai" -- A wedding is henna

Often, the night before the wedding includes a celebration by the bride and all the other women where mehendi is applied to all and bawdy songs are sung hinting at the marital "bliss" ahead. In this case, the mehendi ladies came toward the end of the evening, applying mehendi (or the new mehendi "tattoos") to many of the female guests. Then the bride was taken to the side to be given her mehendi -- on feet, lower legs, hands, and upper arms. Amazingly, the application of these intricate designs was completed in less than 20 minutes by the mehendi experts! The bride had changed into an old salwaar kameez for the night, which was to be given to a needy woman the next day as was the custom. Another important custom was the hiding of the groom's name or initials in the intricate mehendi designs, so he could spend time "finding it" on their wedding night. Once the mehendi was complete, the bride and a cousin retired to a room in the hotel where the evening's event had been held. The cousin make sure that the mehendi stayed as moist as possible for as long as possible to ensure a very dark result. She also helped the bride with important things like eating, drinking, scratching an itch, and going to the bathroom. Imagine! The music behind this segment is a traditional mehendi song from an unidentified Hindi movie.

"Shaadi parampara hai" -- A wedding is tradition

It's the morning of the wedding at the Shaadi ka Ghar, and time for the bride's chuda (wedding bracelet) ceremony. First, a pandit conducts the customary puja with flowers, other traditional items, and a sacred fire (yes, right inside the house!) Various members of the bride's family have special roles to play at various parts of the ceremony. You can see the emotion in the eyes of the bride's parents, and the exhaustion in the bride's eyes, after a night with lots of henna and little sleep. Next, the assembled women daub haldi (turmeric) paste all over the bride. Haldi is considered to be good for the skin, to make the bride especially radiant for her groom. Then a cloth is raised, the chudas are bathed in milk and blessed by the pandit, and slipped on the bride's arms. The bride also chose to wear a heavy set of traditional Punjabi kaliras -- gold and pearl dangles tied to her wrists, symbolizing the weight of responsibility that will come to her when she is a wife. Sweets are fed to the bride and then the other guests, and then the bride stands up to jingle her kaliras over the other unmarried women in the group. This conveys her wish that they have good luck in finding a good husband when they are ready to marry. The music for this segment is a classical Indian instrumental piece.

"Shaadi josh hai" -- A wedding is excitement

Excitement indeed! The wedding night has finally arrived. You will see the camera shake as I watch and film, wide-eyed, as the groom arrives on a white horse with his baarat (family members and closer friends). Also on the horse, dressed like a groom, is the traditional "junior groom" -- the groom's nephew. This family does it to the hilt -- drummers, a marching band, lights, fireworks -- an amazing, breathtaking show. Then an elaborate ritual with much revelry as the bride and groom's family meet at the entrance to the country club to greet each other "ceremoniously". You'll want to watch this more than once! Once again, the video quality is a little lower here because of the segment's length, but you won't lose a bit of the fun and excitement. The background music here is a traditional Indian instrumental piece with a fast-moving beat. Watch and enjoy!

"Shaadi tyohar hai" -- A wedding is celebration

The guests from both sides have assembled, and the mandap (wedding platform) has been beautifully decorated with flowers and drapes personally selected by the bride. Per tradition, the bride's two uncles (and my Indian brothers) carry her on their shoulders to the mandap. Then comes the joyful moment known as the "Jai Mala" -- the mutual garlanding of bride and groom that marks the beginning of the wedding ceremony. The crowd around the mandap is rapt. You'll see just a little playfulness here between bride and groom, but most of all, a glow of happiness. Watch closely for a shower of rose petals after the garlanding -- the groom's family had brought three fireworks filled with petals that were shot off during the Jai Mala. The background music for this segment is a light-hearted western classical piece from the Renaissance era.

"Shaadi churaye hue jute hain" -- A wedding is stolen shoes

During an Indian wedding, which often lasts many hours, the guests keep one eye on the ceremony while primarily doing other things: catching up with friends and family, eating a luscious meal, and, for the bride's young relatives, playing an age-old game. Since customarily a bride becomes part of her husband's family after marriage and severs her ties with her natal family, her younger siblings and cousins traditionally search for the groom's shoes and take one so that he cannot take the bride away with him. Once the shoe is stolen, it must be gotten back by the groom's relatives -- but only by paying a hefty ransom.

At this wedding, the game took a hilarious twist. First of all, the groom's family cheated by locking the groom's shoes in a car. (It took the bride's young relatives, including my children, a long time to discover this). Then they argued that it was not fair. And argued. And argued. They got nowhere. So, they hatched a plan. At an Indian wedding, the bride and groom sit on one side of the sacred fire in the middle of the mandap, while the pandit sites across from them. At both ends are the closest relatives of each spouse-to-be, each playing their role in the rituals. Since the mandap is a sacred space, they sit with their shoes off.

The young folk on our side decided it was time for a shakedown. One by one, they strolled casually (in the dark) behind the groom's side of the mandap, and quickly picked up one shoe belonging to a member of the groom's family. My son, Leo was a specially talented perpetrator of the mischief, since he wore a fancy Indian outfit with a long embroidered vest. As he went behind the mandap again and again, it was easy to conceal each stolen shoe under his vest. By the time the group was done, each member of the groom's family had only one shoe left. The other part of each pair was well-secreted somewhere amidst the large country club grounds.

At 2:30 a.m., the ceremony was finally complete. Shilpa and Sanju were husband and wife. And everyone on the mandap was famished. Most of the guests had eaten, socialized and left. But wait -- the groom's family can't seem to find all of their shoes! Much hilarity from all members of the bride's party who were "in" on the secret. Eventually, the groom's relatives realized that there was only one way to settle the dispute. The car was unlocked, the groom's shoe was produced along with all the others, and the ransom was given. This has become a special memory for my children, and I chuckle loudly even now as I think about it. The music behind this segment is a traditional funny song about stealing shoes and receiving money in return. (The words "jute lo paise do" mean "take shoes, give money").

"Shaadi reet hai" -- A wedding is ritual

Every community in India has its own unique rites, with many common elements. There is always a pandit, always a sacred fire, chants, offerings, and roles to be played in the rituals by members of both families. Near the very end, the bride's and groom's clothes are tied together and they take the "Saat Phere" or "Seven Steps". Each "step" is a circle of the sacred fire, and each has a meaning relating to the commitments shared by a bride and a groom. This segment is the "real deal" -- the crux of a traditional Hindu wedding, Punjabi style. Watch the faces of the bride's and groom's parents as they see their children moving away into their own lives. It is very moving as every wedding must be, regardless of culture. The background music is "Om Jai Jagdish Hare", the most familiar and best-loved Hindu song of praise, sung by the immortal Asha Bhosle.

"Shaadi naya jivan hai" -- A wedding is new life

The wedding over, and it is time for the bride to leave with her new family. Joyfully anticipated, calmly expected, but suddenly terribly sad. New lives are about to begin, with many new responsibilities and chapters ahead. Before leaving, the bride says a personal goodbye to each of her family members and dearest friends. I sob behind the camera until I am finally called over for my hub. The bride's face is hidden here, but the people who say goodbye are all very dear to me, and when I see the emotion in their faces, the tears in their eyes, I know how she must be feeling. My own children are crying openly, even though they will see her the next day as she comes to gather all her left-behind things at the Shaadi ka Ghar. Even though she will return to our town north of Chicago to live, only 2 miles away. Before a new beginning, there is always an ending. The music behind this segment is Enya's "One by One", from the album "A Day Without Rain". Get yourself a kleenex.

"Shaadi yaadein hai" -- A wedding is memories

Please leave your comments here!

I hope you enjoyed watching this film as much as I enjoyed making it -- and being able to experience it all firsthand. If you have any questions about any of the activities in the movie, please email me at cfutia@aol.com. I would love to hear your reactions to the film -- which details caught your attention? which part was the most interesting? what surprised you most? what was the most exciting? what did you find the most touching?